Five Phases to Never Say to an Eating Child

Food attitudes vary.  Culture, religion, geography, socioeconomics, and family dynamics all play a role in how we value, prepare, eat, serve, store and share food.  Having been molded by these factors, we as parents or care takers of a child all have a sense of what we believe is proper and improper when it comes to feeding and eating with a child.  I would like to share some of the most common phrases that I would like to see eliminated from meal or snack time.

 You need to clean your plate.  This phrase usually comes from the value of not wasting precious food resources, and a respect for food is a fine lesson for children to learn.  To keep from having to use this phrase, let your children put food on their plate themselves.  If they are not old enough to do this, give them a teaspoon full so if they don’t eat it, the waste is minimal.  If a child seems to be putting too much on his plate, remind him of the possible reasons why he might reconsider.  Perhaps if he takes too much there will not be enough for others, or he will not be able to eat it all and we don’t want to waste food.  There are good lessons to be learned here.  If you put food on a child’s plate, the responsibility for the food is yours.

Haven’t you had enough?  How do we know how much food a child needs to eat at a meal or snack?   Their caloric and specific nutritional needs can vary by days, weeks, months or years.  Growth spurts happen and a child instinctively knows they need to eat more.  Let your child know that you trust their internal sense of hunger and fullness. 

One more bite.  I hear this phrase a lot.  A parent requires that a child take one more bite of something before they can leave the table.  Is this requirement made to insure enough calories or nutrients that the child needs?  That may be the intent, but the reality is that the amount of calories and nutrients in that one last bite will not make or break a child’s health.  So what this decree of one more bite says to the child is: I  (the parent) know how much you need to eat, not you, but I (the parent) am in charge here and you don’t leave until I say so, or perhaps, I (the parent) have the power here, so eat if I tell you to.  All of these messages leave a child with mixed messages about food and an opening for a power struggle with a parent.

You need to eat your vegetables before you can have more bread.  Many parents believe that certain foods need to be eaten at each meal.  Some of us are concerned that if we let our children fill up on one food, they won’t eat the other foods offered.  There is some truth to this, but if all of the foods offered are healthy foods, why do we care which foods they eat more of?  Even if they choose to fill up on bread, don’t worry.  They will eat vegetables or fruits another time.  You can also discourage over eating of a fun food by only put enough of the fun food on the table for everyone to have a serving.  When the bread is gone, it is gone.  If your child says that they are hungry and they want more bread, calmly point out that the bread is gone but there is still chicken and carrots.  If they are hungry they will eat, they may even try a new food!

What about all the kids starving in ….  This is usually about not being thankful for their food and food waste, with the added bonus of guilt.  This really means “you shouldn’t waste food, you should be grateful for what you have because other children aren’t lucky enough to have food”.  Again, there are learning opportunities for children here.  Awareness of one’s ability to provide food and the awareness that not everyone has the same resources and opportunities as your family is a great topic for families to talk about and explore.  However, let’s not get that confused with whether we need to force our children to eat.  Their eating doesn’t help others, and they know it.   Older children may point out that the less they eat the less food for the family will cost, leaving money to buy food for others. 

Children can and should learn to be grateful for food, but by eating more than they need or want is not the way to show it.  So instead of implying that children that don’t eat everything on their plates are ungrateful or causing starvation elsewhere, let them to chose how much food goes on their plate and whether to eat or not.  Help them learn to show their gratitude in other ways.